i cant stand this. there is absolutely nothing inside me and i cant remember this time i felt so unimportant and forgettable. oh wait, yes i can.

i cant stand writing these woe is me type entries. but seriously...things were on their way to getting better. i was feeling good. i was being positive. and suddenly, it doesnt even matter that everything else is coming together because the one thing i want i cant have. and im slowly beginning to think that i wont ever.

i feel empty. i feel tired. im sick of hoping and trying and pleaing and praying and begging.

i just need to turn my brain off.

i was in a relationship with a boy once for a long time. emotionally i was a really big mess with him and he used to make me so upset that i would completely lose it. so after being with him for a while, i had created this defense mechanism where i could just completely shut myself off. sort of retreat to the back of my brain. it used to freak him out. he would talk to me, yell at me, shake me...and i would sit there with this glazed over look in my eyes. one time he couldnt get me out of it and he was getting kind of scared and rather pissed off, so he burnt my arm with his cigarette. i didnt even flinch. i wish that i could still do that. i bet i could if i tried.

here's to trying new things, eh?

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